whatever. i could totally take franny in a fight.

I FIGURED IT OUT!

I believe I have pinpointed the source of my frustation over these past few months.  I have had a lot of trouble accepting my life as it currently stands, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I didn’t like the direction my life was going, the career choice I have made, or relationships with people around me.  But last night, during one of those “Hey babe, are you still awake?” conversations, the reason was unearthed. 

I need some competition in my life.  And I probably need to win.

In high school, my life consisted of grades, track, and cross country.  I  could clearly track my progress and rate how well I did compared with other people in all of those things.  There were no gray areas.  I got an A and Bob got an A- so I won.  But then that asshole Jerry got an A+ because he pulled some extra credit out of nowhere, so it turns out Jerry beat me.  Or maybe Franny won the race, but I came in a close second and I know that I can beat her next time.  Franny won the 800m run in 2 minutes and 35 seconds, so now I know how fast I have to run next time if I want to have a chance.  And, if I wasn’t sure about my progress during the next race, Franny would be right next to me the next time we ran together so all of a sudden it’s head to head combat.

I don’t have that any more.  Suddenly I’m running a race all by myself and nobody is around me to pace myself with.  And if I’m running around by myself, then why don’t I just walk?  And if I’m just walking, then hell, why don’t I just stop all together, lay down, and take a nap? 

My number one pet peeve is inefficiency, and I think that’s because when things are inefficient it takes me longer to get to the finish line.  The job that I am working at now has a very clear definition of the finish line, but nobody can seem to decide how they want to get there throughout the company heirarchy.  It’s like doing a class project to the teacher’s specifications, and then a day before it’s due the teacher throws out some crazy requirement that conflicts everything that you were working on and you basically have to start from scratch.  Next thing I know, the due date is pushed back and I’m upset that I wasted 2 hours of my life working on something that turned out to be irrelevant in the first place.  Here at work, instead of the company changing its mind once, suddenly this is a scenario that occurs every 3 days with no end in sight.  Like I said before, why don’t I just stop all together, lay down, and take a nap?  I’m running around by myself here with no real direction.  And while it’s nice to receive a paycheck every week for accomplishing what seems to be the same thing week after week, it is hard to overcome that pet peeve of mine.

I know that this is kind of a roundabout of getting to my point, but the point is that right now, at this point in time, everything in my life is not moving.  Or perhaps it could be better described as running in place or running at a very slow pace.  Childhood, high school, and college is all a sprint.  It’s all about doing better than your classmates and getting into the best colleges or programs or jobs.  Now adulthood has led me into a marathon — the personal deadlines I need to meet are no longer 1 year, 3 months, or 2 minutes and 35 seconds away.  I’ve got a deadline about 40 years away called retirement.  Because I am not a big picture kind of person, I struggle with that. 

So maybe it’s just the lifestyle change occuring between adolescence and adulthood that I am struggling with.  Subconsciously, I have made everything in my life a competition and that has led me to do the best that I can do in every instance of my life.  Motivating myself to run around for 40 years without anyone to run with is something I have never done before, and I find the lack of competition to be very boring.  I need some excitement.  I need a hardcore race where I’m running right next to Franny 20 feet from the finishline at a dead sprint.  (And ideally in that sprint I end up winning because I’m faster (or Franny missteps and loses her footing.. I’m not too proud)).

My next step?  Join a tennis league or something.  Sure it’s not a long term solution, but it might appease my needs for awhile.

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