Don’t Worry Beach Bod… One Day We Will Be Reunited

There’s too much snow, there’s too much cold, there are too many clouds, and there’s too much responsibility here in Minnesota.  I’ve got the winter blues, so to make myself feel better I am skipping town on Friday and headed to Waikiki Beach in Hawaii – the place where dreams come true.  And those dreams consist of a fabulous tan and all of the seafood I can eat (or afford).

So while I’m super excited and thinking about this trip literally every moment that my eyes are open, there is one problem:  the absence of what I lovingly refer to as a “beach bod”.  You know what I’m talking about – one of those perfectly toned bodies, with the rippling abs and the bronzey, glowy skin that look AMAZING on the beach.  While I had planned to have mine by April or May (anybody that knows me in real life should be rolling their eyes right now), I didn’t even consider that I would be going somewhere in the beginning of February.  That means that my midsection is still toting around one of those little kid inflatable circle floats with the hole in the middle (I would have said tire, but I’m not that out of shape – THANK YOU JANUARY RESOLUTIONS!). 

When someone that knows nothing about proper fitness and healthy eating (what’s a calorie?) is faced with achieving a “beach bod” in two days, we start freaking out.  So I did what any fitness and health ignorant person does in these situations: ask their smart friends.  All of my friends’ opinions were peppered with words like “sodium” and “merciless workouts” and “cut out the carbs to lose water weight”, so I decided that while their opinions are probably very valid, I didn’t really like any of them.  Carbs are my favorite food group!  Salt is delicious!  Nothing tastes good without butter!  Working out too long is booooring!  As far as I am concerned, I have the following options:

  1. Stop eating all together.  What better way to lose weight than reduce my food intake to zero.
  2. Continue to eat, but reduce my food choices to celery, carefully selected families of lettuce, one granola bar, and chocolate covered raisins because I will never give those up. Ever.
  3. 6 hour workouts every day up until I am sitting on the plane to Hawaii(which hopefully I get on… because if I have to sleep in an airport again, I will go berserk).
  4. New swimsuit – goodbye bikini, hello oversized shirt and shorts.
  5. Avoid the beach at all costs and basically waste my trip to paradise.
  6. Forget about going to Hawaii and go snowboarding instead.  Snowboarding is a workout and allows for some big, puffy clothes.
  7. Flaunt it, baby!

And I considered each of them carefully.

Gosh, I love eating… but I could try to give it up for a few days… but I can’t do try because I only have two days until I’m embarassing myself… Oh! You know… maybe I could commit myself to nonstop workouts… but then I’ll be so tired when I get there that all I will want to do is sleep… and I’ll be sore… and then I can’t force Dan to climb up Diamond Head with me… and I can’t wait because he is going to be so pissed when he finds out that we are taking a trek through nature… why am I dating a guy that doesn’t  like nature?… at least he doesn’t like chocolate covered raisins so then I can eat all of them.. and I don’t really like celery or lettuce so then that diet would only consist of the chocolate covered raisins… and that doesn’t really sound so bad come to think of it… but then I get sick if I eat too many… although if I stayed here I could eat everything and go snowboarding since a little flubber is good for warmth, right?… BUT I HATE THE COLD… jesus… and I already bought a swimsuit so I don’t want to return it… although I guess I don’t really like it so I could return it without crying for too long… but I want to get a tan so wearing a shirt and shorts doesn’t really work for that… unless I wanted one of those sweet farmer’s tans… and I actually really hate those because they take forever to get rid of… my feet still have tan lines from the flip flops I never stop wearing in the summer.. I wonder if my feet with get sunburned?… I remember one time Bim got her feet sunburnt and I laughed at her.. I wonder if she’d do the same to me… she would… especially since I laughed at her when she fell out of a tree that one time… hmm.. I miss Bim.. but anyway there’s no way I would miss out on the beach in Hawaii.. and no way I would go in a shirt and shorts… and no way I would stop eating.. and no way I would eat only chocolate covered raisins… and no way I would work out all day every day… and no way I would avoid the beach.. and no way I would stay here and go snowboarding…

So that leaves me to rock what all of that candy, deep fried food, lack of vegetables, and butter soaked delicious gave me. 

But you know, it’s not so bad.  I am in relatively good shape (in comparison with the 67% of Americans who are overweight as of 2006).  But if Britney Spears happens to be roaming the beach the same time that I am, I will be asking Dan to bury me in the sand.

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11 Comments on “Don’t Worry Beach Bod… One Day We Will Be Reunited”

  1. Don Keylips Says:

    You could do the obvious thing and fly a bunch of ugly people out there with you, making you the attractive one of the bunch.

    Did I mention I haven’t been to the gym in a week? I could start mowing down on fried foods right now! I could even stop my Mantenance regimen just to make you look better.

  2. andhari Says:

    LOL you’re funny 😀 So jealous about Hawaii though . i would just enjoy being there if I were you. I’ll try but I wont make myself miserable doing so, there are always other forms of bathing suits beside bikinis :p

  3. Spanks Says:

    First off, (and meant in a non-awkward way)You’re freaking hot, heather. Most people would kill for what you are worried about.

    second, no eating does the opposite thing expected – it makes you gain. Your body goes “oh, i’m starving” and holds onto everything. So, you don’t lose weight and you’re hungry.

    I like the other don’s idea. fly me out with you and you’ll look good no matter if you gain about 50 pounds in two days :p

    Please get Dan’s initial reaction to climbing on video. PLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEASSSSSEEEEE

    • Heather Says:

      Haha.. thanks for the (non-awkward) compliment. And I agree I don’t have TOO much to worry about, but I’m striving for perfection.

      And most of this post had a tinge of sarcasm along with it. I’m not really going to stop eating. I love food too much 🙂

    • Heather Says:

      OH.. and I’ll see what I can do about getting his reaction on video!

  4. shawncita Says:

    Excellent post! and I COMPLETELY understand! I’m in the same boat with the addition that my dear husband, in an effort to help take some errands off my plate, took the wrong bag of stuff to Goodwill–and the bag he took inexplicably contained every swimsuit I owned, leaving me with no swimsuits at all! That means I HAVE to buy a swimsuit–at least before the next time I go to the beach, yikes…no pressure 🙂


  5. I wanna go to Hawaii! Instead, I’m looking forward to another two feet of snow this weekend :/


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