Posted tagged ‘self reflection’

February Resolutions – 5/8 is Acceptable

February 28, 2010

PHEW! I almost forgot it was the end of the month!!

On December 31st, I declared my New Years Resolution:  Make monthly resolutions.

For the month of February, this is how I did —

  • Read at least 1 book: FAIL. I did not read a single page.


  • Work out at least 3 times a week – hopefully this will go better this month…: FAIL. I did not go once throughout the month of February.


  • Pay off another $1000 on my credit card *sigh*: TOTALLY PWNED. Thanks to that wonderful tax refund I got, I accomplished this and then some.


  • Put $1000 toward my student loans: SUCCESS! I just barely made it. Again, I’ve got to give props to the government for taking lots of my money and giving it all back to me.


  • Attend my calligraphy class each week – no skipping class!: DONE! I love that class 🙂


  • Love Dan (he requested that one…): ALWAYS & FOREVER


  • Follow my dermatologist’s orders every day after my appointment on the 8th. In the past I have followed the doctor’s orders for about 4 days and then tapered off from there: TRIED, BUT HAD TO GO A DIFFERENT ROUTE. My health insurance held me back from that one. I went to Ulta instead and grabbed Dermalogica, which I have been following consistently. Sure, it’s not the same, but it is as close as I could get without dropping $400+ (no joke) on medication.


  • Do my laundry every week instead of waiting until I have nothing to wear: I DID IT TWICE THIS MONTH. SO NO.


So for those of you keeping track, I succeeded at 5 out of 8. 

I still struggle to believe that I didn’t go ONCE thoughout January. I mean.. I can believe that I didn’t go since I was there every morning when I rolled out of bed late and got to work barely at 9am, but… ugh. Disappointing.

I guess I can pride myself in that I don’t just “kind of” fail. I fail big and go home. *HIGH FIVE*


Social Interactions Were Never Really My Forte

February 17, 2010

For those of you that don’t know me outside of the internets, you don’t know that I can be a little bit awkward to talk to at times.  And not like socially-retarded awkward.  More like I’ve-never-been-in-this-situation-before-and-I’m-not-really-sure-what-to-do-with-my-hands awkward.  I’m not able to pass off one-liners or think of witty comments because my mind doesn’t work that quickly.  I take a moment to fully comprehend what someone has just said to me, take the time to process it, and by the time I think of something funny and witty to say… the moment is gone. 

I know it happens to everybody.  Sometimes you don’t think of the perfect thing to say until 5 minutes later when nobody cares anymore.  It’s too late.

Well that’s me.  All of the time.

Take, for instance, the full service gas station I found yesterday. 

First of all, who knew those even still existed?!  So when I rolled up to the gas pump, I didn’t think to look up at the sign to make sure it was self serve.  I saw a full service gas station once when I was still in high school.  We went there one day just because we thought it would be really exciting for someone else to pump our gas.  I was real excited.  We made a day out of it. 

So anyway, I got out of my car, walked toward my gas pump, and noticed one of the gas station employees doing the same.  I smiled and said, “Hello”.  He smiled and said, “Hello”.  And then we stared at each other.

Next thing I know, we’re just standing at the gas pump staring at one another.  I’m not really sure what to do.  All I see is some guy staring at me like I’m some kind of freak while I’m standing next to a gas pump that I want to use.  All he sees is some woman staring at him like he’s some kind of freak while she’s standing next to a gas pump that she shouldn’t be standing next to.  It’s clear that neither of us knows what to do next.  Neither of us is saying anything, and after about 5 seconds of staring I started to give him that “WTF are you looking at me for weirdo” look, and I started to glance around the parking lot to see if there would be any witnesses if this guy was going to try to steal my purse or something.

So the guy finally opens with, “Can I help you?”

“… What? I want to get gas.”

“Okay, how much?”

“Enough…….. ……”

“Ma’am, this gas station is full service”

“… wh… really? … oh……… …………… I didn’t……………. really? ……………………………….. oh”

“So…. ”

“.. umm…”

“I mean… I guess you can get it yourself if you want”

“Okay…  yeah… let me just.. umm…  yea…. I can … I’ll just do it myself.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah… uhh.. yeah. Thanks”

And the guy just backed away.  And I pumped my gas.  And another customer came by and looked at me kind of funny as though I didn’t belong there.  And I kicked myself over how many “uhh’s” and “umm’s” passed my lips during that conversation.  And I felt like an idiot because that’s what I just sounded like.  And I thought about how much smoother that interaction could have gone if I had said  a complete sentence.

But seriously.  Who knew full service gas stations still existed?!

Don’t Worry Beach Bod… One Day We Will Be Reunited

February 3, 2010

There’s too much snow, there’s too much cold, there are too many clouds, and there’s too much responsibility here in Minnesota.  I’ve got the winter blues, so to make myself feel better I am skipping town on Friday and headed to Waikiki Beach in Hawaii – the place where dreams come true.  And those dreams consist of a fabulous tan and all of the seafood I can eat (or afford).

So while I’m super excited and thinking about this trip literally every moment that my eyes are open, there is one problem:  the absence of what I lovingly refer to as a “beach bod”.  You know what I’m talking about – one of those perfectly toned bodies, with the rippling abs and the bronzey, glowy skin that look AMAZING on the beach.  While I had planned to have mine by April or May (anybody that knows me in real life should be rolling their eyes right now), I didn’t even consider that I would be going somewhere in the beginning of February.  That means that my midsection is still toting around one of those little kid inflatable circle floats with the hole in the middle (I would have said tire, but I’m not that out of shape – THANK YOU JANUARY RESOLUTIONS!). 

When someone that knows nothing about proper fitness and healthy eating (what’s a calorie?) is faced with achieving a “beach bod” in two days, we start freaking out.  So I did what any fitness and health ignorant person does in these situations: ask their smart friends.  All of my friends’ opinions were peppered with words like “sodium” and “merciless workouts” and “cut out the carbs to lose water weight”, so I decided that while their opinions are probably very valid, I didn’t really like any of them.  Carbs are my favorite food group!  Salt is delicious!  Nothing tastes good without butter!  Working out too long is booooring!  As far as I am concerned, I have the following options:

  1. Stop eating all together.  What better way to lose weight than reduce my food intake to zero.
  2. Continue to eat, but reduce my food choices to celery, carefully selected families of lettuce, one granola bar, and chocolate covered raisins because I will never give those up. Ever.
  3. 6 hour workouts every day up until I am sitting on the plane to Hawaii(which hopefully I get on… because if I have to sleep in an airport again, I will go berserk).
  4. New swimsuit – goodbye bikini, hello oversized shirt and shorts.
  5. Avoid the beach at all costs and basically waste my trip to paradise.
  6. Forget about going to Hawaii and go snowboarding instead.  Snowboarding is a workout and allows for some big, puffy clothes.
  7. Flaunt it, baby!

And I considered each of them carefully.

Gosh, I love eating… but I could try to give it up for a few days… but I can’t do try because I only have two days until I’m embarassing myself… Oh! You know… maybe I could commit myself to nonstop workouts… but then I’ll be so tired when I get there that all I will want to do is sleep… and I’ll be sore… and then I can’t force Dan to climb up Diamond Head with me… and I can’t wait because he is going to be so pissed when he finds out that we are taking a trek through nature… why am I dating a guy that doesn’t  like nature?… at least he doesn’t like chocolate covered raisins so then I can eat all of them.. and I don’t really like celery or lettuce so then that diet would only consist of the chocolate covered raisins… and that doesn’t really sound so bad come to think of it… but then I get sick if I eat too many… although if I stayed here I could eat everything and go snowboarding since a little flubber is good for warmth, right?… BUT I HATE THE COLD… jesus… and I already bought a swimsuit so I don’t want to return it… although I guess I don’t really like it so I could return it without crying for too long… but I want to get a tan so wearing a shirt and shorts doesn’t really work for that… unless I wanted one of those sweet farmer’s tans… and I actually really hate those because they take forever to get rid of… my feet still have tan lines from the flip flops I never stop wearing in the summer.. I wonder if my feet with get sunburned?… I remember one time Bim got her feet sunburnt and I laughed at her.. I wonder if she’d do the same to me… she would… especially since I laughed at her when she fell out of a tree that one time… hmm.. I miss Bim.. but anyway there’s no way I would miss out on the beach in Hawaii.. and no way I would go in a shirt and shorts… and no way I would stop eating.. and no way I would eat only chocolate covered raisins… and no way I would work out all day every day… and no way I would avoid the beach.. and no way I would stay here and go snowboarding…

So that leaves me to rock what all of that candy, deep fried food, lack of vegetables, and butter soaked delicious gave me. 

But you know, it’s not so bad.  I am in relatively good shape (in comparison with the 67% of Americans who are overweight as of 2006).  But if Britney Spears happens to be roaming the beach the same time that I am, I will be asking Dan to bury me in the sand.

January Resolutions – 3/7 is Pretty Bad

January 31, 2010

On December 31st, I declared my New Years Resolution:  Make monthly resolutions.

Today is the last day of January, and that means it’s time for me to reflect on the goals that I made for myself for the month


I’m Still Waiting on that Autograph

January 30, 2010

After the Red Wings game, I had it in my head that I needed an autograph from Zetterberg for my jersey.  Unfortunately I couldn’t get to the hockey game early since I was working, so I planned on catching him after the game.  

I took my time getting out of my seat following the game so that the Red Wings would have their chance to shower and get dressed and whatnot and I could catch them on their way out.  I walked slowly around the Xcel Energy Center, hunting for the locker room exits so that I could “accidentally” run into them as they left to go to their hotel for the night.  I even took a bathroom break to extend the amount of time I was creeping around the Center. 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find their exits, so I asked an employee what my best bet was to find them.  She told me that she actually didn’t know where the best spot was to catch the hockey players was because they usually leave after she does.  I kind of stood there with a big sad pout on my face, and she told me that, before the game, a lot of the time people will usually stand outside to wait for the visiting hockey team between the Center and the hotel that they usually stay at. 

And that is how I learned where hockey players sleep at night. 

So I mosied on over to their hotel lobby and I asked the hotel desk clerk if the Red Wings were in fact staying in this hotel and if people ever waited here for them.  She told me they weren’t staying there (I think she was lying), and kind of hinted to me that yes, that kind of thing is very much creepy.  Against my will, Dan dragged me out of the hotel and back into the skyway so we could walk home — waiting in a hotel lobby for a hockey team is too creepy for him to handle.  And I was bitter because I thought that by next year I would be too old to stalk a hockey team. 

And that story leads me to my point for this post.  Sometimes I forget that I’m only twenty-two years old.  Sometimes it slips my mind that I’ve still got a couple of years of good, solid youth to do stupid things without feeling the resonating consequences. 

Once in awhile I’ll get caught up in the fact that I don’t have my own little family, my dream job, a business of my own, and a mansion on top of a hill overlooking a city right next to a lake.  Sometimes I think it’s too late for me to go back to school for a Masters degree because I’m too old.  And sometimes…  sometimes… I think I’m failing at life because I don’t own the world.

Newsflash to me:  I’m not too old for anything except riding those little people rides at Disney World.  Real life is still beginning.

And I am certainly not too old to stalk a hockey team.  And I hope that none of said hockey players ever read this because that would just be really embarassing.

Marshmallow Art

January 28, 2010

Do you ever have one of those days where you just don’t want to get up?  One of those days when rolling out of bed seems like too much effort… but then you realize that if you want to “e-mail in sick”, you have to get out of bed to e-mail your boss to let him/her know you’re not coming… and by the time you use up enough brain power to turn on the computer, navigate to your e-mail, figure out what you’re going to say, and try to remember all relevant e-mail addresses, you’ll be too awake to fall asleep anyway… and so all you have left to say to yourself is, “Oh, hell… I might as well go”?

Believe it or not, today is one of those days for me.  I feel slow despite the coffee that I had this morning on my way to work.  I feel frumpy.  I feel like I wish I were still in bed.  And if inanimate objects had feelings, I would probably most compare myself with a marshmallow.  I took the time to draw these so you could further understand my feelings toward the day that is January 28th, 2010.


And while the game was fun last night, it left me in a sour mood today.  Perhaps it was the Red Wing loss.  It might have been the fact that I didn’t get an autograph.  Maybe it was the beer.  Or maybe it was some other variable that I am not taking into account here. 

Tonight I’m going to investigate a Primerica “business opportunity” despite the nagging feeling in the back of my brain (and all over the internet) that it is some kind of scam.  But even though I was considering blowing it off, I’m kind of happy to go now because it will give me some time away from work and away from Dan and away from Prandtl and away from Lucy and away from my apartment and away from everything and everyone I know.  I don’t really feel like dealing with any of it right now.  I wouldn’t really mind just hanging out in a cave for a couple of days.

I was reading today about the difference between introverts and extroverts.  Extroverts need people and thrive from social interaction and the energy of others.  Introverts are stereotypically shy, withdrawn people, but the article I was reading (which I lost, otherwise I would link it) said that’s not necessarily true.  Introverts can interact with people and can be quite good at it, but they need time alone to recharge.  Dealing with people too often makes them very tired and drains them, which I believe is very true in my case.  I love working with people and being around people, but I can’t deal with them all of the time.  I need to be alone.

Even if it’s only a half an hour in my car on my way to some stupid “business opportunity”.  Sigh.

The Addiction to Appearance

January 26, 2010

It takes me about an hour to get ready every morning.  My morning routine goes something like this:

  1. Take the dog out to do her business (and in the winter that requires about 5 minutes of putting on/taking off sweatpants, sweatshirts, boots, and coats (one for me, one for the dog))
  2. Take a shower
  3. Put product in my hair and scrunch it until most of the water is out
  4. Blow dry my hair
  5. Moisturize – especially in the winter
  6. Get dressed (it takes me forever to figure out what to wear)
  7. Put on makeup
  8. Scrunch hair again to get rid of any crispy curls
  9. Wander around my apartment to gather everything I need
  10. Mirror check to fix anything that doesn’t look quite right
  11. Leave

And this morning, as I was getting ready for the day, I was thinking about all of that time I spend in the bathroom getting ready for my day.  One hour a day.  That’s seven hours a week.  That’s about 28 hours a month (already more than an entire day gone!)  Three hundred thirty-six hours a year – or fourteen days – or two entire weeks.  Wow.  If I lived for 60 more years, over two of those years will be spent in the bathroom drying my hair, putting on makeup, and getting dressed.  It will take me over two years to get ready for the other 58 years of my life.  That, my friends, is a lot of time.

And while I would like to sit here and announce to you that I am changing my ways and vowing to never spend an entire hour in the bathroom ever again, I am not able to.  I can’t say that I won’t spend ten minutes trying to get my hair just right.  I know I will never be able to choose the perfect outfit on the first try every day for three days, let alone a week.  With all of these lipstick colors, I can’t guarantee that the first one I choose will be complimentary to my skin tone and the colors that I am wearing.  And even though I know that I am wasting an entire hour of my day just getting ready to go shopping or putz around the apartment, I don’t necessarily want to change that.

When I look good, I feel good.  I’m more productive with my time.  I’m more sociable.  I’m friendlier.  I feel smarter.  A lot of the time, my happiness is directly affected by my outward appearance.  And when I am unhappy with myself or the way that my life is going, I cheer myself up in the beauty aisles at Walgreens.  I buy makeup, lotions, conditioners, and any beauty supply that I can get my hands on and believe that I might need one day.  If you were to open up the cabinet beneath my bathroom sink, you would see the results of these splurges fall out onto the floor because the cabinet can barely contain them.

So where did this need for beauty in a bottle come from?  Today’s magazines, newspapers, and blogs emphasize the importance of natural beauty.  Magazine covers are being chastised for photoshopping their covers – I even posted a video showing how our definition of beauty is the direct result of these maneuvers.  Newer, more natural models are making their debut in advertisements.  And yet here I am, feeling the need to perfect the way that I look before leaving my apartment just to take my dog on a walk.  Why is that?

And the funny thing is that you can tell how I am feeling about myself that day by seeing the amount of makeup caked onto my face.  Typically I am on the lighter side, but sometimes (when I’m feeling depressed or unhappy) it’s as if you can’t see a hint of real skin underneath all of that foundation.  And although I know that wearing all of that makeup is unnatural, I can’t help myself.  To take it off would leave me unhappier than with it on.  Because the thing is, no matter what is going on around me or what kind of situation I find myself in, I can at least control the way that I look.  Because to look beautiful in a crappy world, even if that beauty is artificial, is better than facing it looking hum-drum.

Perhaps the saddest part of this is that I know I am not the only woman in the world with this complex.  There are millions of us that choose to drop hundreds of dollars on beauty products that we will only use once.  Others might choose to physically harm themselves.  Others might starve themselves to achieve that perfect weight.  Others might stay in abusive relationships.  On second thought, maybe I should consider myself lucky that this is my addiction because, lets face it, it could be far worse.

Lately I have found myself a little more confident with my “natural” face since I have sworn one day a week to not using anything at all, but I still feel stares.  I still feel less respected.  I still feel like other people have decided that I am not worth their time.  And on days when I am feeling low, my usual “head up” posture turns into a slumped back with my eyes to the ground.  And of course it’s foolish and of course it’s nonsense, but it is something that I struggle with anyway. 

I would like to think that we all have our own comfort blankets that we cling to.  It helps me to know that everybody needs to fit a certain mold when they are feeling down so that they can feel better about themselves.  It could be anything — dressing great, laughing a little louder to make up for it, or feeling the need to prove yourself through your ideas.  You know… something that gives status so that we know we’re not just dirt on the ground. 

Is anybody willing to share with me theirs?